I know better than to wait until 5 PM to figure out the dinner plan. And yet, here I was at 5 PM with 3 hungry toddlers - all pulling at my pants, crying and whining for food. And it is impossible to explain to a toddler that whining and screaming and pulling and demanding doesn’t inspire me to make a yummy meal faster - it has the opposite effect. I inspires me to shut down.
How did I get here? How could this have been avoided? And how can I regulate my nervous system when it’s happening?
What is overstimulation?
Overstimulation is too much sensory input for our brains to compute. Too much noise, too much touching, too much smells, too much everything. Overstimulation often leads to feelings of overwhelm and irritation. You have probably experienced it before you became a parent, and it probably wasn’t as big a deal because you could remove yourself from the stimulant. But what do you do when the stimulation is coming from your own kid?
Avoiding Stimulating Situations by Planning Ahead
I write this a lot. And in sessions I say it a lot. And I 1000% believe in the power of a plan and routine. Know your patterns, know when you’re regularly overstimulated and prepare to make it as smooth as possible.
Dinner time is tough for me. I’m not a good cook and when my kids refuse my subpar food, it feels personal. So, I have a plan. I set the crock pot up at noon, or I have the box of mac and cheese sitting by the stove, or I’m using pre chopped veggies or a frozen casserole. Everyone starts to get crabby and hungry around 4:45. If I have a plan for dinner, I can attend to the big emotions that come with being hungry and let go of the pressure to figure out what we’re all going to eat for dinner.
Other Strategies Around Planning Ahead
· Be proactive with asking for help and passing the kids off.
· Join a gym that has daycare. You get exercise, your child gets a fresh environment.
· Make the most of nap time. Take care of your needs at the beginning of nap time. Baby may wake up after 30 minutes and if you spent that time washing bottles, you’re not coming back refreshed.
· Keep some toys or activities that encourage independent play for special times. In a pinch, we take out the kinetic sand, make “ice soup” or get to use new markers.
Too Late, We’re Overstimulated. Now What?
Even with the best plans, life throws us curveballs and we learn to pivot. It is part of the parenting experience. When you are overstimulated notice what is going on with compassion and curiosity. If you're able to limit the frustration, even better. Then remove or minimize the stimulant and regulate yourself.
In my example, the stimulant was hunger, noise, and being pulled on and grabbed incessantly: First, everyone got a snack to curb the hunger (this also bought me more time to make dinner). Then I got the toddlers set up with something quiet in a different room. Sometimes I give them books, sometimes they build with blocks. This time it was TV because it took less coaxing to get them to participate. They snacked and rocked to Mr. Elephant. I took a couple of deep breaths, found my center and cobbled together a last-minute dinner.
Regulating Yourself
To regulate yourself, I want to encourage you to focus on your five senses and your heartrate.
Note what senses feel overstimulated. If it’s touch, maybe give yourself some physical space and put on more comfy clothes. If it’s noise, lower the volume, put on headphones (of course make sure you can still hear your child, but you can cut out some of the chaos), turn off all the battery powered toys, go outside so the sound doesn’t echo. If your heartrate is up, find a slower rhythm by changing the fast paced toddler song to lullabies, or practice bilateral stimulation.
The Power of Coregulation
If the parents are overstimulated, then the children probably are too. Learning to regulate is a skill we learn, and we learn it through coregulation; we regulate together. Parents lead, kid follows.
Coregulation happens when we hold baby close and rock her in the rocking chair.
It happens when we tell our hysterical kid “Take a deep breath with me.”
It happens when we go for a walk to get a change of pace.
I’ve asked other moms, once you’re overstimulated, what are your pro tips? Most of the answers were around coregulation:
Swing. The rhythmic back and forth on the swing calms both parent and child down.
Get outside, change the scenery, go for a walk.
Be in nature.
Do something rhythmic with your body - kick a ball back and forth, throw a ball in a basketball net or laundry basket, rock back and forth, dance.
Go to a space your kid can run it out. Maybe even run with them.
Bubbles. Blowing bubbles tricks us both into taking slow and deep breaths. Catching bubbles can be novel. Or splashing with bubbles in the sink or pots and pans.
Music. Some kids calm down when the music plays. I’m sure your family has some tried and true calming songs.
When Overstimulation Has a Ripple Effect
Some of us are lucky to be able to move on after experiencing overstimulation. And for others, it is a constant state in our lives. To feel consistently overwhelmed and irritable can lead to resentment, hopelessness, depression and feeling trapped. Maybe you’re short with your partners, friends, and children and you are not the person or the mother you expected to be.
If you notice that overstimulation and negative feelings are keeping you from enjoying this chapter of your life, perhaps its time to reach out for help. Contact me for a free consultation to see if therapy might be right for you.
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